When my blog spot goes quiet, you can assume Joan is processing while not profusing. Life is hard! News flash, I am still trying to figure it out.
In February of this year, my back pain and leg weakness and numbness was increasing, forcing me to make my way to a fourth neurosurgeon to again try to evaluate why these symptoms are worsening. After seeing him and following through on completing the numerous tests ordered (took 2 months to complete) – news was in. Good news: many neurological debilitating diseases were ruled out. Bad news: the “Pearl of great price” was not.
Before you employ AI to figure out what I am talking about, this is my own name for my diagnosis. My explanation will be brief.
Four years ago, before my spinal fusion surgery, a ‘spot’ was noted on my MRI that seemed right on my spinal cord. Two neurosurgeons at that time were mystified by it. They ruled out cancer and they did not want to surgically investigate it because of the threat that could cause. The unstable spine situation and terrible symptoms I was having below the “spot” was obviously causing problems and was something they could do something about, so the spinal fusion was complete and many of my symptoms were relieved for over a year.
Two years ago, new symptoms began to appear and intensify. Last year’s trip to 3rd neurosurgeon and round of tests resulted in: my spinal fusion was intact but “spot” still there, but again this surgeon too, did not want to touch it, unless I could no longer walk. I did not pursue what he meant by “no longer walk” and I decided to ‘eat pain’ and continue in the denial walkway that I was traveling.
Pain and denial should not be in same sentence, because when pain grows it cannot be denied. So after seeing 4th surgeon, the “spot’ which has grown has now turned into ‘my pearl”. All four surgeons ruled out a cancerous tumor, but they believe in “theory’ could bone fragment, that has been floating around my spinal canal and then four years ago decided to lodge itself into the thecal sac which is the thick lining around spinal cord to protect it. Once the bone penetrated the sac, my body decided to respond like an oyster when threatened. It wraps layers of material around the offender. Voila! A pearl is formed.
The problem with my pearl, it comes at a great price. Its growth presses (again, a benign tumor doing same thing has not been ruled out) on my spinal cord causing excoriating pain, numbness and weakness and many other not mentionable symptoms in my future. Since February, my symptoms have been growing at a faster pace than I want to admit.
Surgery to remove my pearl has a 10% chance of being successful which is removal and not causing any further damage and pain free. Ninety percent chance surgery would give three choices: 1 paralysis. 2 worsening pain and paralysis, 3. could require at least two months in ICU and six months to learn to walk again. Hence the “great price”. A bit bleak, scary, hard, and downright depressing. This blog can’t contain the number of emotions and processing and pure lament that has poured out of this clay pot. II Cor 4: 7-9 (please read if not familiar) is where I continue to land, through this “woe is me” saga.
The ‘treasure’ inside this oyster shell is Jesus. The One who has paid a much higher price for me then I can ever pay. His suffering is what gives me the only hope I have I my own suffering. His suffering is the solution to the end of all my physical and emotional pain. This earth doesn’t seem to hold even a candle to the sheer joy that will be mine, when this life is over. Putting my trust in Jesus, who had to die in my place for my sin and suffering, give me the strength, hope, endurance today! My pearl is not without purpose; it is drawing me closer to the One who wants me in his lap!
Pray that days ahead, I have clearer thinking, and a heart set on Christ!
joyinaforeignland.com 